Isn't God Amazing? Part 2

When we got home I texted my small group leader and asked her whether she had time to meet that night. We made plans immediately and a couple hours later I sat in front of her, tearfully pouring out my heart. She asked whether I wanted her only to listen or if I wanted to know what she thought. I told her that I absolutely wanted to know what she thought. She said to me simply "God alone is the author of life and death". What a powerful and true statement.

I didn't believe it was an accident that a Christian doctor had been placed in our lives at such a challenging time. And now my friend's lovely and true words brought me home the rest of the way.

God continued to place kind and life-affirming people in my path. One pointed me to a verse I have read regularly since.

Psalm 139:13-16 (This translation is from The Message, 

which my friend Jeff lovingly refers to as the "Hey Dude" translation)

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out. 

You formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you God; you're breathtaking! 

Body and soul, I'm marvelously made! I worship in adoration- what a creation! 

You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body. 

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. 

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I lived even one day!

What a lovely reminder that I am not in control, that I am only here to play my part, that God has it all in His loving hands.

Deuteronomy 33:27 (ESV)

The eternal god is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

Isn't God amazing?

Isn't God Amazing?

We waited anxiously for the next appointment, the first with our new high-risk doc. I had read up on him, and I particularly remember one review that stuck with me, where a woman wrote that she had felt pressured to have an abortion. I was ready to be pressured, right up until the ultrasound.

We got settled in the ultrasound room and found that a lot had changed. Our little group was not only growing, but today we could actually see the heartbeats flickering away like mad on the screen. I remember laying there thinking that these were not theoretical life and wondering how I could decide which of those tiny hearts to stop. It was devastating.

The doctor saw us quickly and the experience was not what either of us had expected. First, many reviews had indicated that though he was very talented and an expert in his field, he tended to be short, distant, and unwilling to explain. We found exactly the opposite to be true. He answered our questions at great length, at times even over explaining. He was kind and sympathetic. We trusted and felt comfortable with him from the start.

Okay, back to the "R" word. I don't remember his words exactly, but the tone of the conversation was the exact opposite of what we expected. He told us that whatever decision we made, we needed to be sure of both mentally and spiritually. Yes, the doctor said spiritually. He asked whether we were part of a church family, and when we told him that we were, he asked that we consider talking to our Pastor about everything before making any decisions. Last, as we were getting ready to leave the appointment, the doctor asked whether we would be open to him praying for us. We told him that would be appreciated and right there in the office he prayed for us, for strength, wisdom, and peace. I began to feel all three at once.

The "R" Word (but it's really the "A" word)

So we found this word creeping into our days. Reduction. It sounded so safe, so clinical. Abortion. That darn word kept creeping in too. No matter how I willed it away, it kept popping back up. Abortion.

I found it interesting to know that something very black and white to me became covered in grey once I found myself in a high risk pregnancy. Weeks before I would have told you that there was no situation in which I would have considered abortion, yet over these days, I found myself almost daydreaming about it.

A syringe is injected through the abdomen, guided by ultrasound, into the baby's heart. If all babies are equal from a medical standpoint, they choose the baby or babies that are closest to the surface to "reduce".  So it's really just the luck of the draw, who lives who dies.

It was an emotionally devastating option to consider. Every time I told myself it was wrong and I could never do it, the thought of four severely handicapped babies came into my mind. Or worse, preterm labor, delivering too early and losing all four.

Wouldn't it be better to sacrifice one for the good of the rest? I nearly had myself convinced, but as He often does, God had other plans.